Riddle Me This

7 05 2011

Teaching, I think, could truly be an Olympic event as an exercise in sheer patience. 

My class needed to do ONE thing this week — come up with a Persuasive topic to write a paper on.  That’s it.  Tell me what you’re going to research and persuade a reader about.  About half of them did this, in a couple of sentences or less.  Fine.  Good.  Not complicated.  The other half?  They turned in one-word responses like, “Drugs,” “Marriage,” “Education,” and, sort of creepily, “Guns.” 

I feel like I need to send out a memo reminding the class that we’re not, in fact, playing Balderdash or Apples-to-Apples and are, in fact, engaging in college-level coursework. 

Also, in other strange news: My college’s student body felt the need to TP the Quad in “honor” of Bin Laden’s death.  Now, they usually roll the quad for athletic victories (luckily for our beleagured janitorial staff, we have had a piss poor season).  I can understand how a brutal finals week would be enlivened by celebration, but it struck me as just creepy and odd.  Am I wrong?  Perhaps I should have embraced my inner sociopath and brought some TP myself?

God Save Me from Stupidity

29 04 2011

When one of my devil children finished studying for her final today, I let her watch some of the royal wedding coverage, not leastly because I FUCKING LOVE ME SOME ROYAL WEDDING NONSENSE.  Anyhow.  We tuned in to watch highlights on our laptops and while she was watching the exit from Westminster Abbey and then the processional, she suddenly got a weird puzzled look on her face. 

“Why are they playing ‘My Country ‘Tis of Thee’ at the English wedding?”  She asked, perplexed.

It took me a second. 

“That, devil child, is ‘God Save the Queen.'” 

Oh, America.  What you lack in smarts, you make up for in plagiarized national anthems.


17 04 2011

Hi there loyal fans. 

So, I just was treated to listening to my own recorded voice which is always a harrowing experience.  I have a low-pitched lady voice and a comes-then-goes Southern accent, so when I’m recorded, I sound like a festival of impairment.  I also talk super fucking fast, which is why my students have to record me to begin with.  Sorry, students.  (Not that any of them read this blog…  It’s like my fortress of solitude… bruhahaha!). 

Anyhow.  I realized that my summaries of Great Literature are pretty fucking funny, at least when played back via a recording device.  One of my educational jobs is to tutor British, American and other literatures, so this involves a lot of quick summation since the kids a) barely read and b) don’t retain anything they *do* read.  What I’d like to know is:  Would you, loyal blog readers, like to hear these insane summations?  They are plenty profane (I work at the college level, so fuck that swear jar noise) and run quite a gamut, genre-wise.  I have an entire 3-ring binder full of notes that I base these little “lectures” on so it would be pretty simple to transcribe them here, on my blog.  I can even take requests, since I’m fairly sure there is not a lot I have not read.  It will still be snarky (I mean, have you MET ME?!) but these will be less reviews, per se, than quick summaries. 

Let me know in the comments, kids, and put down any requests.  I will compile a list of top ten and start doing them next week, if ya’ll think this is a good idea. 

PS  Check out the blog roll!  It’s been updated!  La la la…

Westboro Baptist Church = Asstrees

12 04 2011

If that ain’t a word, it should be. 

The least decent, tasteful and humane organization that brought us all kinds of crazy is making waves in my hometown — the cunt wagons are apparently going to be picketing my former high school in the near future, an action I would normally applaud.  But since they’re not there to picket the sub-par education levels and are instead protesting “violent and caterwauling” students, I just can’t get on board.  Seriously?  “Violent and caterwauling?”  Is that in Leviticus some place?  Deuteronomy?  Somewhere between the shellfish and how much you can sell your surly daughter for in the slave market?  Crazy people:  You’re only going to be moderately successful at your craziness with vague underpinnings like this.  Also, you open yourself up to much more hilarious and effective mockery.  Take note.

Jesus H. Christ (Esquire?)

18 01 2011

Good God.  Literally.  I just got the following from a student.  Now, it’s not a terrible essay.  It’s actually quite sweet.  But the weird thing is, the assignment was to take two seemingly opposite things and do a thorough pro/con list for both.  I have no idea how she got from point A (assignment on syllabus) to point B (essay on Jesus).


Also, “he will not waste any affliction”?  Am I the only one who thinks that sounds rather like he has some extra plagues lying around and will just pour them on us whenever, so as not to “waste” them?!

UPDATE:  The student from the crazy affirmative action essay (from “Back”) has gone to the dean about the offensiveness of white people writing about affirmative action (nevermind that the author is hispanic), so I am striking some of my materials from the record until I feel it’s ok to post them again.  Like I mentioned, I feel bad for her ire, and I’m genuinely sorry she’s angsty about this, so it’s not right for me to post these right now.  Sorry, sports fans.

The Science of Superheroes

3 06 2010

 Recently, a prompt at Jezebel.com (What Was Your Most Ridiculous College Class?) really reminded me of my days at *sigh* University of Central Florida.  I know, I know, it’s not like I should have really expected any better from a school located in the dead center of Flori-duh, but what can I say?  It was cheap. 

So, the class that first came to mind as “absurd” was my credit for Physics, though it was entitled: “The Science of SUPERHEROES.”  Yes, the caps are original.  I was an English major, and I just wanted to get the damn thing over with, so much so that I literally didn’t see a problem with signing up for a course that was seemingly designed by a 40-year-old Warcrafter living in his mom’s basement.  Actually, the professor, bless his heart, was from Greece, and his accent was a tad heavy, especially on words like “syllabus,” which he pronounced “Silly-BOOS.”  He had created the course from scratch, clearly in a masturbatory fantasy involving Wonder Woman posters, and was hoping the department would let him expand it in the coming years.  I don’t think this happened. 

We spent an entire semester reading comic books, taking field trips to the new Spiderman and X-Men movies, and discussing AT LENGTH all the reasons that Superman couldn’t fly but Batman probably could.  In retrospect, it was a nerd-girl’s dream class, and I had a great deal of fun writing essays entitled, “Spidy’s Web Throwing:  Fact or Fiction?” and “Where Will You Be When the Earth Starts Turning Backwards?” and “How to Prepare for the Mutant Take-Over: 10 Easy Steps.”  Yes, I got grades for these papers.  Yes, I got A’s (English majors, it should be noted, are nothing if not long-winded).  But each class was like going to some secret enclave at Comic-Con (read: like the elevator) where comic books and super-powers were picked apart with the same fervor and detail as an academic conference on James Joyce’s Ulysses.  No question was too ridiculous to warrant a 3-hour discussion about, including but not limited to: how one might construct Batman’s accoutrements in one’s gardage; the temperature difference between Earth and Krypton; whether or not the Mutants were the “real” zombie apocalypse (which was equally inevitable); if Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s butler, had ever tried psychadelic drugs (one class member posited that the whole Batman series was a fantasy of Alfred’s, ala Walter Mitty, St. Elsewhere or similar).  The powerpoint presentations alone were hilarious if baffling, featuring clip-art in lieu of trademarked superheros, which only served to confuse us further. 

Pictured: SCIENCE


What about you, loyal readers?  What was your biggest waste of time from your college daze?

Students Gone Wild

17 04 2010

Pictured: The End Result of my Teaching Career


It’s not that teachers are bad people, it’s just that we’ve made terrible life choices.

I guess it’s an ambiguous honor when you’re beloved enough by your students that they call you at 2 PM on a Saturday, frantically wanting to know where to find a large rubber dildo.

Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention 2 things: 1) the message was texted, and I mentally gave the student mental points for correctly spelling both “rubber” and “dildo” and 2) the student is a boy, who followed up text #1 with text #2: “Don’t judge me. I’ll explain later.”

When I called back with the answer (I mean, in all fairness, they totally picked the right person to tell them where to go sex toy shopping in my conservative one-horse/whore/dildo-shop town), my opener was, “Rubber or latex?” And then, later, the sign off from my own personal peanut gallery was, “I TOLD you guys she would know! Thanks! See you Monday for school!”

So either the entire baseball team is roaming my town on a misguidedly homoerotic shopping spree, or college is simply keeping young men too fucking busy to go boondoggin’ after chicks (as should be their wont).

I gotta just say: the image of burly young college dudes roaring around town in a Honda Civic (or similar), waving brightly colored plastic dildoes out the car windows really brings a smile to my face. Truly, this was why I got into teaching.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 32 other followers