Have you just thrown a book towards a wall/small child/beloved pet? Have you found yourself wanting to inject heroin into your eyes before reading one more of a terrible heroine’s sentences (see: Bella Swan)? Ever wanted to dismember a popular author just enough to keep them from writing ever again? Not Misery maiming, but just a little Diamond-Mine, keep them from getting mouthy again maiming.
Well, you’ve come to the right place, my friend. Not only will we summarize the basic plot line of any story we find equally terrible, we’ll mock the author’s prose and thematic elements within an inch of libel. No story is too “classic” and no author untouchable. Consider this an open-minded roast of American Literature.*
Who are we to be making fun of the entire publishing industry? Well, we both have degrees in English (Sorcia has an MA) and we both work with literature on a daily basis (Luker works for a publishing company and Sorcia teaches idiots). So suck it, monkeys. We’re fucking qualified.
Place your suggestions in the comments, and please check the Full Title List to make sure it hasn’t been done before.
* I, Sorcia, do reserve the right to mock German and Japanese literature as well, since my cruel job forces me to read things like “The Makioka Sisters,” “The Wind-up-Bird Chronicles” and “Cat and Mouse.” *shudder of horror*
[...] Suggestions [...]
I’d like to nominate Guillermo del Toro’s NYT best seller, The Strain (with Chuck Hogan). Jesus christ. It’s not even 8th-grade-writer level. It is SO BAD. How bad is it, you ask? Well, I haven’t gotten too far into it (because it is sooooooo fucking bad), but at one point the position of an airplane’s flaps are mentioned, and they are “straight up like Paula Abdul.” No, I’m not fucking kidding you. Please rip this book a new asshole, if only to give me some sort of vicarious vengeance, because it is about vampires so I will be unable to stop myself from finishing it. I’m weak, I know, but I’m getting punished for it, so…
I don’t know, Kath, I kinda think you should guest-write it and we’ll post it. It sounds hysterical. Lemme know if you’d be down, otherwise I will have to find a copy.
Shit, dude. I thought about that, actually, but realized I’m like 22% into the book (Kindle), so I’d have to go back and re-read the tripe to take notes on exactly how sucky it is. (But then this morning I realized that 1-I can highlight shit in my Kindle, so it wouldn’t be too difficult, and 2-it would be really satisfying to bitch about how bad it is. So I might.)
Try the Bible. As a matter of fact, you ought to have a field day with “Genesis” alone.
You could start with the fact that it sounds like ill conceived science fiction, and move on to the fact that it makes no logical sense… maybe even go literal with it! You can do it, I love your snark!
This blog is rad.
Please, please, please do “The Awakening” – I must request this after reading Luker’s excellent take-down of Holden Caulfield – and please, for the love of all that’s holy, do Facebook’s favorite, “100 Years of Jerks With The Same Exact Name”
Why thank you.
I think I could do “The Awakening” in my sleep. Great suggestion!
Ever do a Stephen King novel, and I will make a blog to rip your blog an asshole of its own… I swear to fucking Steve Jobs, I will drop an atom bomb on the blogosphere and tear this shit to threads… Leave Steve a reprieve… *trend*
My, what an erudite scholar you must be…