Twelfth Night

19 02 2012

Spooky shit for a comedy, right?

By Willie Shakespeare

Snarked by Sorcia MacNasty

So, I’m still working on The Awakening, people!  In the meantime, I wrote the following as an homage to a fellow blogger, Mr. Myths Retold — if you haven’t been to his site, you have to.  It’s really fucking funny.  I printed out his Retold version of Faustus for some of my current devil children and they loved it.  They wanted one for Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, but alas, Mr. Myths doesn’t appear to have done one.  I promised them I’d do my best instead, and here is the result…   Again, the style is a deliberate tip of the cap to Mr. Myths — it’s his trademark, I am just humbly borrowing it for the day.

Oh, Twelfth Night.

A play about dead brothers, nearly dead brothers, socks, and penis envy.

Also, tons of pussy jokes.

They even spell out “CUT” (stand-in for ‘cunt’) on stage.

Because that shit has always

Been funny.

Thanks, Shakespeare.

This is a play written for

Crazy people at Christmas.  Foreal.

12th night?  That’s epiphany.

Epiphany in Elizabethan language

Seems to translate to:

“Wild fucking ho-down

With costumes

Identity crises

And probably some rape o’clock.”

Picture your craziest relatives

All snookered on Egg Nog

But dressed in costumes

And playing elaborate games

That essentially make fun of

Poor people.

Kind of like I picture

Christmas at Mitt Romney’s house.

 

Despite being billed as a comedy,

This cross-dress fest opens

With sad sack Orsino,

Weeping into his cornflakes

Or oatcakes

Or whatever the fuck they ate back then

About Lady Olivia, who

Is supposedly hot,

Hotter than pussies on a kayak

But who is being all boring

Because her useless brother died

And she has decided to go into epic mourning.

Like, this bitch wants to win

The Mourning Olympics.

Which is convenient because it

Means she can ignore that

Cock clown Orsino,

Pretty much a weepy bastard with

No game.

 

Meanwhile, a ship at sea

Totally ignores some goddamn rocks

And gets all smashy-smashy

Probably kills everyone

EXCEPT FOR

SPUNKY AS FUCK NOBLE CHICK,

Viola.

Viola’s IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER

(no way that’s going to be

A useful plot point later,

Amirite?)

Is presumably dead…

Presumably…

Remember this, people.

She figures that hey,

It’s totally possible

She’s landed on Rape Island

So it might behoove her sexiness

As well as her V-card

To hide that sexiness under some

Man britches.  Boobs?  What boobs?

No boobs to see here, my friends.

 

Changing her name to the more

Pimptastic and thus more employable “Cesario,”

Bitchcakes moseys up to Orsino’s pad

And IMMEDIATELY gets a job.

There is zero recession in Illyria, y’all.

Like, you can just be a hobo,

Wander in off the beach

No references

No resume

Cross-dressed like a boss

And BAM!  You got yourself a JOB.

 

Man, I miss the 90s.

 

Anyhooskies

Viola, Transgender version 2.0,

Has to be Orsino’s love-letter

Carrier pigeon

She’s a carrier pigeon of ROMANCE

To steaming pile of

Sexy time, Olivia

Who is still having none of this

John Hughes-style

Teen romance bullshit

But!

She thinks the new carrier pigeon?

IS THE CAT’S GLORIOUS PUCKERED ASS.

If cat asses were smeared

With sex juice and awesome sauce

And not just cat poo.

She’s all, “Hey hey HEY, Cesario!

What’s good in YOUR PANTS?”

 

Instead of doing us some

Fanservice with ye olde

Lesbian sex scene, though,

Shakespeare just makes Viola –

Dressed as a dude

Though being played by an actual dude

(no ladies on stage

Since that would be the equivalent

In Renaissance England

Apparently

Of slapping Jesus in the face

With a used tampon

In terms of sins) –

Viola, point being, is just super

Fucking uncomfortable about

All this homoerotic fondling

Especially since she has pretty much

Decided that she wants a slice of

Orsino’s Man Pie in the near future

And by “pie”

I clearly mean “penis.”

 

Shenanigans ensue when a Puritanical

Prick named Malvolio shows up.

This guy.

He’s the ultimate cooler.

He doesn’t just kill the mood,

He goes all Chuck Norris on the mood,

Slaughtering that mood left and right

Until there is just a bloody pile of dead fun

And that sucks for everyone.

Because this is Shakespeare,

He will be punished

in a creatively Sadistic way by the end,

so don’t worry.

 

Meanwhile, remember that IDENTICAL TWIN

I told you to not forget about?

Yeah.

Sebastian.

He shows up.

Him and his “special life partner/friend,”

Antonio,

Who clearly just wants some Man Pie

To call his very own, preferably

Sebastian-flavored-Pie.

Sebastian is busy being a retard

Completely devoid of gaydar

Though

And does not pick up on this.

Also, he’s busy assuming his

Sister is dead.

And Antonio is forcing purses of money

On him, which will leave one of them broke.

Because that is how these idiotic misconceptions

Work in Shakespeare.

Wocka-wocka.

 

Back at Olivia’s swank court,

“hilarity” is happening all up in

That bitch.

Drunken Sir Toby is being all drunk,

Stupid Sir Andrew is taking the entire

Prescription of stupid pills he has on hand,

Challenging Cesario to a duel and shit,

While Maria and Feste (who

Is an honest-to-fuck, went to

Goddamn CLOWN COLLEGE

And got merit badges

Plus a PhD in clowning,

Clown) are plotting against that

Douche fucker, Malvolio,

And they are pretty good at revenge.

Like, maybe not PhD level good, but

A solid effort is being made

Just to fuck with this one

Grumpy bastard.

They go about this,

Naturally,

By making Malvolio appear

Totally rug-shitting insane

In an effort to impress

Poor Olivia

Who, really, has to be exhausted

From living in this House of Whatthefuckery,

And getting brain raped by

Orsino’s never-ending

Sad sack letters

And who is now being

Wooed by a Puritan motherfucker

Wearing whacked-out garters,

Ugly socks

And speaking complete

Bat-humping gibberish

All because her maid,

Who is pretty much a criminal,

And her maid’s asshole boyfriend

And her wretchedly bored CLOWN

Wanted some excitement

And to “punish” this dude

For not being fun.

They present him with letters

Forged by criminal master-cunt Maria

Whereupon

If he had a lick of sense,

He’d be all,

“What fresh hell is this?

Are you pranking me?

Where’s Ashton?”

But instead he takes

To be completely legit

Because he has zero fucks

Invested in disbelieving

A clown and a maid

Who have NEVER LIKED HIM,

Making him the Village Idiot

As well as the Village Fun Fucker.

 

Sir Andrew, that hump,

Slurs on up to Viola, all

“You took mah lady!  Imma kill you.”

Waving a sword around with whiskey breath

To which Viola is all,

“Dude, really, I’m not into chicks.

Also you shouldn’t drink and stab.”

And Andrew is all, “Imma gonna

Make introductions here,

Bitch,

Between you and the business end

Of my SWORD.  HI-YA!”

 

(I like picturing him

Doing a Judo Chop

But you can picture it however

You need to).

 

KAZAM!

 

Antonio shows up

Sees Viola

WHO HE THINKS IS SEBASTIAN

(I BET YOU NEVER SAW THIS

MISTAKEN IDENTITY SHIT COMING

RIGHT?

SHAKESPEARE, YOU SUBTLE SON

OF A BITCH, YOU)

And volunteers to fight in Viola’s place.

Viola, thinking he’s fucking Santa

Or some shit,

Or at least a nice guy, since, hey

For the record,

He’s just been attacked

With a Judo Sword

By a STRANGER

In a Strange Land.

 

Of course, what’s he supposed to think?!

A CHICK

LOOKING EXACTLY LIKE

HER IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER?

Oh wait, except he does totally know

Sebastian has an identical twin sister

(which, for the record, is impossible

Since identical twins are always

The same gender,

Nice science there, SHAKESPEARE)

Anyhow, just GUESS

Who Retardo Homopants

THINKS HAS HIS FUCKING CASH.

Finally,

Guess who has

NEVER SEEN THIS CUNT CANOE

IN HER LIFE

ERGO HAS NO REASON TO ASSIST

HIM AND HIS CRAZY SHRIEKINGS.

 

Go on.  Guess.  You don’t even

Need an electrified

Guessing Machine

For this one.

 

Because Viola is

Really smarter than most

Of these cock circuses

She figures her IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER

WHOM SHE WAS JUST MISTAKEN FOR

BY A TOTAL STRANGER

May be alive.

 

There is also a

Shakespearean Shot-gun Wedding

When Olivia decides to take

A stroll in her Duel Garden,

Sees Sebastian,

Who she thinks is GUESS WHO,

And IMMEDIATELY DEMANDS MARRIAGE.

 

Whut.

 

That is probably the only word

In Sebastian’s poor

Beleaguered mind at the moment.

But!

He’s not dumb,

Olivia is not ugly,

And also not poor,

So he sensibly

Agrees to IMMEDIATELY MARRY A STRANGER

Figuring, “hey, what could go wrong?”

 

Back at Orsino’s Palace of Tears,

Self-Pity

And Homoerotic Subplots,

However,

Antonio has been nabbed and brought

To meet the Justice Side

Of Orsino’s Whim.

Turns out,

He knew better than to

Trespass on this

One

Particular

Isolated

Fictional

Island

Arbitrarily controlled by

HIS ONE ENEMY

Yet

His case of the Gays for

Sebastian was just so bad,

He had to risk it

Cause, you know,

Bros before Hoes

…and also before breaking

Laws against people with

Swords and vendettas,

Apparently.

 

Because this is a COMEDY,

Despite all the newly introduced

Death Penalty problem,

In order to lighten the mood,

We are treated to the

Agonizing torments of

Malvolio which are intended

To be hilarious

But which end up

Just disturbing as a thorn-bedecked

Ball-sack.

Basically, he’s locked into

A dark room

Where Feste, pretending to be

A priest,

whispers creepy shit

To him until he’s lip

Tremblingly nuts,

Indicating to modern readers

That clearly

Feste is the Hannibal Lecter

Of Shakespearean clowns.

Also, isn’t that the plot of

The Yellow Wallpaper?

 

THE BIG REVEAL!

(sorry, should have said, “Spoilers”

Or some shit, but

Seriously

If you don’t see this coming

You are too dumb for Shakespeare).

 

Still with me?

 

Orsino and Viola roll up

To Olivia’s padded cell of a Pad,

And Olivia is all,

“HUSBAND!  It’s been at least

An hour since we got to humping

So

You know, I have needs.

Come here AND LET THE HUMP-FEST COMMENCE!”

To poor Viola.

This makes everyone uncomfortable

As public mentions of hump-fests are

Wont to do.

Luckily, though, Sebastian’s

Hitherto useless self appears,

Totally not dead and totally

Ready for Hump-Fest: Afternoon Edition

To happen.

Orsino, like the noble honey badger,

Does not give a fuck

(specifically about Cesario

Who has been a dude to him

ALL THIS TIME

Suddenly being a smoking hottie

Dipped in Smoky Hotsauce

With Hot Smoky Filling

WE SUPPOSE

Since she stays dressed as a dude

So perhaps Orsino is just into

Some kinky shit.  None of my business,

You know?)

Even Toby and Maria hop

Right onto the matrimony wagon,

And just when it looks like

Everyone is gonna Hump-Fest like it’s 1999

Malvolio,

Probably looking as crazy as he feels,

Descends like a yellow-sock-wearing piñata

Of insanity and rage,

Bursting open his vile anger juice

All over the happy couples,

Instead of sweet piñata candy,

Swearing vengeance on all of them

Which is the worst kind of piñata

To have at any party.

 

I told you.

He’s a complete asshat

In general

But when it comes to ruining Fun?

He is a goddamn WIZARD.

 

The moral of the story

Appears to be that

If you can totally fool people

Into thinking you’re the opposite gender

All will work itself out in the end,

Contrary to the message of M. Butterfly,

Because no one ever minds being tricked

About what kind of junk you have going on

Downstairs so long as you clean up ok.


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