A Friendly Note… From One Diabeetus Mascot to Another

20 01 2012

From the Personal Letters of Paula Deen:

January 19th, 2012

Dear Ms. Deen,

Hi, I’m Wilford Brimley.  I have diabeetus.

I heard that you, also, have recently been diagnosed with this terrible condition and wish to express my sympathy for you in this trying time.  Are you on Medicare?  Do you know that the best way to combat the ‘beetus is to check your blood sugar regularly?  As a veteran of the ‘beetus, I thought I’d offer you some friendly advice.  Oatmeal, for example, is a much better breakfast choice for you now than your Cheesy Ham and Banana Casserole.  Quaker Oats™ is an excellent choice, if I do say so myself.  A tasty way to do the right thing, as it were.  Oh, all right, maybe even the warmest bowl of oatmeal is not as tasty as your Brown Sugar Bacon, but we diabeetus-fighters can’t be choosers.

You know, I have to say, I was shocked to hear you’d sat on this news for so long.  Of course, it’s not easy to live with diabeetus – I’m living proof of that.  But I always frankly thought of you as a silent partner.  After all, your recipes have been supplying the diabeetus industry with new patients in record numbers!  I knew you weren’t directly employed by any of my companies, but still.  You have to admit that your Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding is likely to send even healthy young bakers into sugar comas.  I’ve admitted publically that I myself have indulged in the past – apple pie, ice cream, etc.  (Of course, your Fried Apple Pies look like they perhaps have just a tad more fat and sugar than the old-fashioned variety, but I digress.)  I imagine it must have been excruciating for you to choke down a few of your Donut-bedecked Brunch Burgers while knowing that your bloodstream was slowly turning into a river of pure caramel.  Shoot, your show has probably kept me in paychecks for the past 5 years!  And this brings me to my main point…

Bitch, if I hear a single fucking word about you taking my job, I will be on your deep-frying ass like a honey badger on a bad day.  You even think about signing a contract with Quaker Oats™ or Liberty Medical™ and I will end you.  I have carved a niche for myself in this pitiless industry.  You think its easy finding a job in this town, you butter-peddling shit?  I’m 77-years old, for fuck’s sake, and best remembered for CocoonCOCOON.  Want to help me count my co-stars who are dead?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  These commercials are all I’ve got, woman, and now here you come, high-stepping your diabeetus-ridden ass onto my turf.  When I saw you getting all cozy with a drug company, my mustache started twitching in a rage NOT related to my blood sugar.  My mustache is NEVER WRONG.  Speaking of that mustache, don’t you dare forget that I am the FACE of diabeetus!  No one, especially not someone who uses butter like social lubricant, is going to take that away from me.

So remember, check your blood sugar regularly and try to resist almost all of your own recipes.  Most importantly, remember to get to steppin’, bitch cakes.  I am not even playing with you.  I know where you live.  I can infiltrate Savannah like a motherfucking snake in the grass.

It’s the right thing to do, goddamnit.

Sincerely,

A. Wilford Brimley

Poor Wilford


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8 responses

20 01 2012
Venom

OMG – this is AWEsome!! I can SO see Wilfred dragging Paula into an alley and messin’ her UP!
No secret – I have had a long standing crush on the old man, tee hee hee.

20 01 2012
Sorcia MacNasty

I love the Brims. And I could just picture him twirling his mustache in consternation over being ousted from his beloved position…

20 01 2012
Anna Gray

I don’t mean to be a stick in the mud but didn’t the old people end up with the aliens in Cocoon? So are his co-stars dead or just aliens now? Is he sad that he isn’t in a cocoon with aliens? I wonder what they did in those cocoons…Oh sorry, I digress easily. Congrats on the Jezzie thing btw. I <3 you mucho!

21 01 2012
Sorcia MacNasty

I do like the idea of Jessica Tandy looking down on us from an alien planet, tenderly wondering when she will devour us all…

23 01 2012
se1ze

I think Paula could take ‘im.

23 01 2012
Sorcia MacNasty

Man, I’d just pay to be there. Who wants to bet they slather up in hot butter before the match?!

23 01 2012
Mykl

Did everyone forget The Thing? That’s Not Wilford anyomre!

2 02 2012
Book Review: White Truffles in Winter | A Traveler's Library

[…]  version, “Magic.” How different in spirit is his version from Paula Deen (who has her own problems these days.)( NOTE: I belatedly discovered that Kelby herself has something to say on the subject […]

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