I Married a Vampire and All It Got Me Was Pregnant and Dead.

Hello y’all, Luker here. I dropped off the map about 8 months ago when I moved to Texas–bountiful blog material there, I tell ya–and have come back because in approximately 40 days the first installment of Twilight: Breaking Dawn hits theaters, most likely to be documented in the Guinness Records as the World’s Largest Simultaneous Panty Soaking Event. As the Junction’s resident Pop Culture Vampire Expert, it is my duty to present it to you, dear readers, Sass-style.

Will I see Breaking Dawn? Most assuredly. Will I be outrageously drunk at the time? You’re a fool to ask. They bring pitchers of beer to you at your seat here. Providing its residents with ample, highly-caloric food and drink is one of the things Texas excels at, and I will gladly take a sip every time Edward’s facial expression emotes “constipation” rather than “love”.

Because I am nothing if not thorough, I’ve included both the teaser and full official trailers and will be referencing relevant bits from each. Join me after the cut for a ride that will be faster and crazier than a trip in Edward’s Volvo (no real prior knowledge of the franchise required to enjoy).

A quick summary of the plot in case you don’t want to waste 3 minutes of your life watching it: Bella and Edward (Bedward) get married, honeymoon, and have the sex. Twice, if memory serves. She totally gets pregnant because Edward’s sperm has had about 100 years to get ready for this moment and, like Edward himself, his li’l guys gradually and consistently wear down any of Bella’s resistance, eventually penetrating and taking over her independence. I mean,  unfertilized egg.

The hybrid fetus has super-strength, gestates faster than normal, and carrying it to term will irrefutably kill Bella. She refuses to abort it to save herself and I think there is a subtle message in there somewhere. This hybrid’s existence is a problem for both the werewolves and the evil, bureaucratic Volturi for various unimportant reasons, and everyone wants to kill the babe (and therefore Bella) so the Cullen Clan must fight them all off.

Now for the screenshots. Wedding invitations go out and Charlie’s Mustache of Reason keeps him sane and displeased, while Renee contemplates how much cleavage is acceptable for the mother of the bride.

"That amber-eyed douchepod is going to bed my little girl."

"Love is fun LOL"

Jacob, Bella’s Lycan almost-love, is understandably hurt at this news and must physically exert the pain away. Bally’s is too far so he will run the countryside instead. Taylor Lautner is contractually obligated to be shirtless 95% of the time he is on screen and somewhere, a 35-year-old housewife just poured herself a third glass of wine and will proceed to type with one hand.

Off the reservation and into your hearts, ladies.

JUMP TO: Wedding Day. Charlie prepares to give Bells away to a man twice his own age.

Wary Charlie is Wary.

Edward has a one-track mind.

"I hear it's just like fucking a warm apple pie."

To be fair, the decoration is gorgeous. I suppose that’s the luxury of having Scrooge McDuck-like vaults of money.

White privilege? Us?

Edward smarms at Bella through several layers of Halloweeen superstore vampire makeup and my ladyjunk instinctively snaps shut at the sight.

"This is much better than the time I died of Spanish Influenza."

Jacob laments the fact that Bella will soon become a member of the Undead, but really, everyone is just waiting for bedbreaking!sex.

"Spoiler alert: I'm in love with your unborn child."

Did anyone forget this series was written by a Mormon? Here’s something to remind you.

Jesus is probably team Mike Newton

Now that Bedward are married, they can finally bone. Edward will at last give it up since Bella’s soul is no longer in risk of damnation for premarital sex. The fact that said sex will directly result in her death is another matter altogether.

So, like all misleading presentations of virginal honeymoon bliss, these two crazy kids have a Magical First Time and we kindly suspend our belief and accept that Edward lasts longer than ten seconds (dude can barely handle heavy petting). Edward comes with such gusto that he literally breaks the bed. Despite repeating high school Sex Ed one hundred times, he still does not know what or where the clitoris is. Better luck next time, Bells.

"'Different position'? Silly bride, all I do is Missionary."

How'd you like to see that O face, ladies? Eh?

Bedward enjoy some morning-after bliss.

"Remember when I would sneak into your room and watch you sleep?"

TWIST! Bella is pregnant. RPatz showcases his finest acting yet with a look of pure horror at the realization that he will be a father.

worst. honeymoon. ever.

"Does not compute. Daddy C told me storks deliver babies."

The drama escalates as Carlisle, the book’s only doctor and patriarch of the Cullen Vampire Clan informs us that the baby is killing Bella.  It’s also increasingly obvious that whoever was in charge of hair & makeup for these films was on ecstasy. If Tom Cruise can look like a more convincing vampire, we have a serious problem.

srsly did Tom Sawyer whitewash this mug?

pale vampire: yr doin' it rite

Tension escalates as Jacob delivers his two cents. “You did this to her!” he shouts, to which Edward calmly replies, “Yes, I did. With my penis.”

Chicks never go for the werewolf next door.

The ante is upped when the rest of the werewolf pack decides to destroy Bedward’s baby. Vampire/Werewolf fights ensue in the vein of what was already battled over in the third film (diff vamps, same Action Shots).

"No one brought their jean cut-offs? I'm disappointed."

Much like their entire cocktease of a relationship, nothing that happens in Part I of Breaking Dawn really matters because (spoiler alert) the real danger comes later, when the Mean Volturi Vampires come to town to fuck shit up and kill everybody in part 2 only to have their Evil Plans foiled and the conflict wrapped up with a Deus ex machina bow.

But for now, what’s most important is that Bella’s spine will snap and her ribs will break and she will die and Edward will bite the baby out of her. Well, according to the book. The PG-13 rating might not allow for it.

Sorry, B. It's gonna happen. You look the way I feel about it.

So, until next time, when I regale you fine folks with tales of getting hit on by a college sophomore at an Applebee’s whose wooing technique included showing me pictures of a chili-cookoff, this is the Baroness, signing off.