Song of the Nibelungs

Summary of a German Classic…

This thing.

A medieval German hero epic, depicting the struggles of Sigfried:  Dragon slayer, treasure stealer and wife beater.  Yes.  Really.   And in that order. 

Before we even get to the Dragon Slaying, we have to listen to the dreams of this seemingly random princess of Burgundy, Kreimheld.  Like most good German princesses, she’s sequestered in a tower with a mother named Uta.  Kreim has a dream about an eagle and decides this means her husband will be killed violently, likely with stabby things involved, and it will all be her fault.  Naturally, she decides that the only reasonable reaction to this dream is to take it completely seriously and vow to never get married.  This isn’t going to matter later, as women were pretty much slaves and bitch will do as she’s told. 

Sigfried, Prince of Xanten [read: The Netherlands.  Kind of.] shows up in Burgundy and meets Kreim’s brothers, King Gunther, Princes Gernot and Giselher.  Note — they are all dicks.  But Sigfried is willing to put up with some dickery since he wants to get with that hot virgin booty, Kreimheld.  Are the menfolk pleased that a prince of the Netherlands has shown up to take the tiresome dreaming twatwaffle off their hands?  No.  They are not.  Then a vassal (like a professional ass licker, but with a sword) named Hagen bounces into the room and tells everyone how amaaaazing Sigfried is.  He’s all like, “OMG, you guys.  For serious.  This dude.  He killed the warrior brothers Nibelung and Schilbung [hah!] then reached over and also totally murdered a dragon.  He has a fuckpile of treasure that he raped a dwarf into watching over for him.  Oh, and he has a cloak of invisibility and a super nice sword.”  At this point in the narrative, we have to assume that Hagen is pretty much ready to make sweet sweet love to Sigfried, who is all, “Yeah, it’s TRUE.  Also, I bathed in that dragon’s hot delicious blood and am invincible.”  Well.  Pretty invincible.  Too bad Sigfried is a manchild who let a leaf fall on his back while bathing in the blood, and now, LIKE ACHILLES, he has one small spot where he can be penetrated [Yes, that's what she said]. 

The King and his bros are like, Welp, this is a bastard we should have stick around.  He seems insane and impossible to kill.  There is no way this will end badly for us, especially considering he wants to bone our sister.  They invite him to stay and he’s kinda like, er, I sort of wanted to bang your sister, is that something you could help me with?  They’re like, NO.  But he’s sneaky (and has a cloak of invisibility, let us not forget) so he sticks around. 

Then he helps them murder some Saxons and Danes. 

The peasants rejoice. 

He gets to meet Kreimhild.  They hold hands and go to church.  It’s love at first sight. 

Gunther’s penis, however, has been inspired by all this mutual affection and he realizes that he would like a warm spot to park his Little Man each night, also.  There is a bitch in Iceland who will do, though it seems kinda sketchy when he wants Sigfried to go with him as a vassal (remember, vassal=professional ass licker) to “help” him in his suit of Brunhild, princess and professional crazy person of Iceland.  Also: super strong lady bits. 

Sigrfried, who is being driven now by a desire to touch Kreimhild’s boobies, is all “Sure, let’s go to fucking Iceland.”  Off they go.  Upon arriving, Brunhild greets them, “Hey, gents.  So, welcome to Iceland.  I’m Brunhild, the one you probably came to try and lay your man-meat on.  Here’s the deal — you go head to head with me in three feats of strength [apparently Iceland is the birthplace of "Festivus"].  If I win, I get to straight-up murder you all.  If you win, I’ll marry you.” 

Paying no attention whatsoever to the murmurs/shrieks of protest from his men, Gunther heartily approves this deal with all the enthusiasm you can expect from a cock-divot like this guy.  Brunhild then explains that Gunther will have to throw a rock farther, a javelin farther and jump further than she can, because this harpy LOVES the fucking Olympics, apparently.  Gunther, who is borderline retarded and/or not paying attention, feels like these are odds he can beat. 

And then she shows him the rock.  It’s the size of a goddamn mountain.  Worried Gunther has a worried.  She hefts it up in one delicate paw and tosses it like halfway around the earth, bats her eyelashes and is like, “Your turn, yo.” 

Now.  Time out.  Do you really want to be married to a lady who can do this, Gunther?  You will have to be on good behavior for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  Otherwise, she will murder you with rocks.  Easily. 

Gunther, proving again that he has the brain power of a bicycle pump, decides to have his go at it.  Meanwhile, Sigfried rolls his eyes and runs back to the boat to get his cloak of invisibility.  Then, invisibile and with the strength of 12 men, he helps Idiot Gunther finish the tasks and win.  Brunhild proves to be a gracious loser when she says, “Wow, nice work.  Yes, I will totally marry you, I just need to wait for my motherfucking army to show up real quick.”  Concerned about what the male relatives of this Lady Beast are going to look like, especially armed and on horses, Gunther asks Sigfried to save his ass yet again.

Off the thankless Sigfried goes to conquer the shit out of the Nibelungs.  He shows back up with his own sizable army and Brunhild is just like, “Oh, fine.  I will fucking marry you and not murder you all with my army after all.  Let’s go, bitch-cakes.”  Big honky wedding in Worms, with Sig and Kreim also getting hitched, and then poor Gunther faces his wedding night with his blushing bride whose hobbies include bench-pressing Buicks. 

Brunhild, not well at all with all this submissive wife nonsense, beats the fuck out of Gunther in their wedding bed, hog-ties him and strings him up on the ceiling.  Gunther, though dumb, is not impervious to humiliation and asks Sig for help AGAIN, this time with managing the Hell Hound he’s vowed to have and hold for the rest of his (likely to be short) natural life.  Sig, who is sort of a glutton for punishment, says, “Ok, I have a really subtle plan.  I will sneak into your bedroom tonight in my invisibility cloak, beat the hell out of your bride and then hand her over once she submits.” 

Gunther:  “I LOVE THIS PLAN!  There is nothing not awesome about it!  Oh.  Well.  Er, one thing, ok?  Don’t bang my wife, dude.  Not cool.” 

Sig:  “Would I bang your wife?  C’mon.” 

Gunther:  … 

Sigfried does this, beating Brunhild into submission and totally teaching her the Netherland Crotch-slap in the process.  He also finds her super-strength-giving magic ring and girdle, somewhere, while putting his P in her V, and he gives these to his own wife, Kreimhild.  Brunhild afterwards submits to the tender, sloppy administrations of Retard Gunther, putting her Buick-hefting hobbies aside. 

That’s all well and good, and years pass.  Then, feeling bored and vaguely vengeful, Brunhild starts to talk shit about Sigfried to her husband.  She talks him into inviting him and Kriem down for a visit so they can totally murder them hang out like old times.  Gunther, again proving that the genetic pool was a tad shallow on his end, agrees.  Vassal Hagen, who has been conspicuously absent all this while, show back up and decides he doesn’t like Sigfried anymore either.  The queens have a catfight over who gets to go to church first and Kreim totally calls Brun a whooore.  Brun cries.  It’s amazing.  Here’s a visual:

Now it’s all on like Donkey Kong.  Hagen, who is a complete tool, gets Kreim to stitch a little cross where Sigfried’s super secret point of vulnerability is.  She is the only one who knows this as his WIFE.  Why she trusts Douchey McVassal Doucherton is a mystery, but I think the message is that ladies are not super goood at understanding complex male concepts like NOT TELLING PEOPLE WHERE YOUR SINGLE POINT OF PENETRATION IS LOCATED. 

Sigh.

Hagen, like the utter asstree that he is, waits until they’re hunting and Sigfried is getting a little drink of water from a stream, like a tiny deer. 

BAM.  Hagen pwns Sigfried with a murdery javelin to the back, using that help cross that Kreimhild provided unwittingly.  Now, some scholars, I should note, find this part reminiscent of rape — after all, Sig is penetrated in his one untouchable spot from behind (while bending over) by another man holding a long phallic-shaped weapon. 

Ahem.  See what happens when you go hunting, kids?  And, just to write large his legacy of complete Fuckturtle status, Hagen throws the treasure of the Nibelungs into the Rhine river. 

Kreimhild, not fooled by the fake boo-hooing over her husband’s “hunting accident” gets right the fuck over to Asia and marries the castle-stomping Atilla the Hun.  He puts a baby in her IMMEDIATELY and they invite everyone for the baptism.  Well, that seems legit.  Pfft.  Even Hagen, butt-sauce that he is, is like, uh, guys?  I am fairly sure that crazy cooze still wants to kill me.  Everyone else is like, STFU, Hagen.  You’re so dumb that you throw treasure in rivers.  Besides, Atilla the Hun has the most raging parties and super good booze.  Quit hatin.  And off they all go. 

And of course there is a whole bunch of murder.  Just balls to the wall craziness like this:

Except with swords and horses, not balls and wheelchairs. 

No one will tell Kreimhild where her treasure is, which makes her go ballistic and start a decapitating spree.  A character named “Olde Hildebrand” suddenly bolts out from no where and slices poor Kreimhild to bits in a rage.  Everyone is dead and the last chapter is pretty much a body count. 

And that, friends and allies, is why Germany is pretty fucked up.