(And Humiliate Yourself in the Process)
1) On the first warm day of the year, put on your sassiest little sun-dress to run your errands in (it should be light-weight and you should consider pairing it with your most absurd underwear)
2) Note the delicious-looking cookie booth on your way into the grocery store. Quicken pace.
3) Do some distracted grocery shopping while thinking of Girl Scout cookies and nearly slam into every other person’s cart like a giddy bitch
4) Picture yourself biting into that first Peanut Butter Patty or Thin Mint. Drool a little. Rush your shopping. Who needs fucking bread? Actual food stuffs? Fuck that noise!
5) Use your debit card to get money while muttering, “Faster, FASTER, damn you!” at the poor cashier. Rush out door, money clutched in your sweaty paw.
6) Notice that these fresh-faced young girls are Brownies, about 7-years old, chaperoned by their father. Not that it would matter if they were sketchy young men next to a van, at this point, with a hand-made sign saying “Free Thin Mints!”
7) Boom in your most insane voice, “Hi there! Got any cookies?”
8) Chortle like an ass when they stare at you in confusion. [OPTIONAL]
9) Fork over an innappropriately large sum of money for such a towering pile of cookie boxes that you have to balance them precariously in your greedy arms…
10) … As a gentle southern breeze comes up behind you …
11) … Which lifts the front of your skirt above your head, introducing the young ladies to your Sesame Street-themed undies. [Yes, Sesame Street. Don't you fucking judge me.]
12) Just before dying of shame as you waddle towards your car, spine bending under weight of cookies, hear one young girl ask her father, “Was that the Cookie Monster?”
Yes, Virginia, there IS a Cookie Monster.