First up, I think HBO did a kick-ass job of portraying history accurately (I fucking hope it was accurate) in their show Deadwood, which is probably the greatest cowboy dialogue of our generation. They also delight in throwing the word “cunt” around and you know how I love that kind of reckless offensiveness. Private message to Ian McShane: I would do filthy shit to you, cocksucker.
But meanwhile, in Showtime land, it seems the good writers and peons of the network have issued a hearty Fuck-you to any kind of historical accuracy regarding Henry VIII besides his number of wives, their hair color and number of offspring. Also, it IS set in England, so they did technically get that right. Well done, scripters.
Because I am a huge British Renaissance nerd, I probably go into each show armed to the teeth with way too much fucking information. So I’m not going to start listing the nit-picky things they fucked up like battle dates, seasonal continuity or what have you. Seriously, it’s the HUGE, GLARING details that are way more fun to mock. Here’s a little list I like to call: Top 3 Ways The Tudors are Fucking Up History!
3. Everyone’s Teeth. While it’s an over-stated and under-proved concept that everyone in Britain until, well, now, has had fucked up ideas of dentistry, there were actually a smattering of anti-tooth decay remedies available. Of course, some of these involved alum, some involved retardedness (i.e. eating sugar to help combat mouth rot), and most people ignored them entirely. Yet Showtime would have us believe that despite our modern concept of British teeth looking like this:
Instead, actually, Renaissance ladies looked like this:
Maybe she's really Canadian?
Suuuure, Showtime. Thanks for playing.
2. Her Royal Hotness. I do realize that beauty is a relative concept and changes over time, and of course female beauty is constantly subjected to current social conventions and concepts. Nonetheless, Showtime has made some pretty creative casting moves, if any art from the actual time period is to be believed.
Exhibit A:
Catherine of Aragon: Sex Machine
Exhibit B:
It becomes more clear why Catholicism was disbanded...
Exhibit C:
There's something different here...
1. The Royal Codpiece. Since we’re going into the new season featuring Katherine Howard (the one who actually totally foreal cheated on him and LIKED it), I feel I should point out that there is a VAST difference in the way an audience will perceive a young woman who cheated on THIS guy:
Who wouldn't hit this?!
Vs. maybe understanding why the hell she might cheat on THIS guy:
You used to be cool, Hank.
Do we see the distinction? One of these things is not like the others. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s necessary to portray Henry as a slothful, turkey-leg devouring sociopath… And yet. At 6’4″ and 350 lbs, his BMI rating would have been “42″ — you’re considered merely obese at a slim “30″ so brother was 12 full points over that. I’m just saying that rippling pecs were probably not part of the equation.
Also, most modern doctors assume that he was impotent by age 45 due to the weight and ulcers on his leg. By age 54, he had to be carried everywhere on a chair, and he died a year later “amidst the horrendous stench of his bursting leg ulcers.” Might some of these details not contribute to our understanding of a 19-year-old young woman not wanting to bone her husband?!
Regardless, I’m still all set to watch the new season. I can’t lie. I’m just so pleased that they’ve turned my MA thesis topic into a fucking soap opera. WIN!
We tried to watch that, in the second season, and just couldn’t do it. I am currently watching and loooooving Deadwood.
Mmmm, Deadwood. Has Swerengen had his kidney stone removed yet? That made me genuinely fear the Wild West and outdated medicinal practices.
Not yet. I’ve been watching it as DirecTV’s channel (101) reairs them, so I just finished the trial of Jack McCall. Although I’m getting impatient, so I’ll probably end up watching it on the interwebs somewhere in a marathon of viewing. It is so awesome, though.
Apart from the magical stuff and the use of a mop in one scene, Carnivale is pretty period-accurate.
Only think how much better history would be if Henry VIII looked like Jonathan Rhys Myers.
Man, then we’d be talking about Henry VIII and his TWELVE wives. I would tap that all the way back to the Dark Ages, girl.
Praise Jesus!
My favorite hysterical historical scene in The Tudors, is when that guy tries to shoot Anne Boleyn from the 6th floor of the Texas School Book Depository. Oh wait . . .
LOL Or when they launch Princess Elizabeth into orbit and she takes one small step for mankind. It’s killer.
Innaccuracies aside, I freaking LOVE this show! Enjoyed as a soap loosely based on history I think it’s good TV.
I know, like I said, I may criticize it but that doesn’t make me stop treating it like a box of cheez-its as I devour every episode.
My wife and I also derive a certain guilty pleasure from watching “The Tudors” (Which I like to refer to as “Henry the VIII-0-2-1-0″) even though we know full well how bad the history is. But there’s a fun game to be had if you’re interested: at the beginning of each season, start tracking the number of gratuitous topless scenes. I swear it’s a Poisson distribution.
And speaking personally, I keep hoping they’ll put JRD in a fat suit.
How can a topless scene ever be called “gratuitious”?! Drek, I’m surprised at your prudish stance towards boobies. They’re the last great thing about cable! That being said, we play a drinking game where every time a bodice is ripped or tossed aside, we chug. We’re literally drunk as lords by the end of episode.
Can we seriously start a facebook group demanding JRM in a fat suit by the end of this season?!
[...] Also, since I got a new computer at Christmas (which can actually stream video) I bumped my Netflix plan down to fewer disks. So I just finished watching all of The Tudors online, in the midst of finishing up Star Trek. Talk about historical inaccuracies. [...]
Bravo, loved this, and you answered all my “what did they really look like questions!”
Truth is always stranger than fiction, eh?
So… it’s odd that you don’t go into the actual glaring historical errors, and instead focus on the fact that the actors are better looking than the original. I think you belittle your argument when you side with the casting directors; every portrait you displayed you pointed out how unattractive they were; no one is going to cast a bunch of inbred ugly people (no matter how funny that would have been), and your comments prove that. Frankly, even though I do agree with you, the fact of the matter is that art is opinion, and even Holbein took certain artistic liberties during the renaissance… just sayin’.
Dude, this is a humor blog. I am just here to bring the ha-has.
That said, I totally agree about Holbein and the other portrait artists — you know it must have behooved them to take “liberties” when it was politically expedient to do so. Good catch.
[...] Henry VIII. Digital image. Web. 27 Feb. 2011.<http://sassafrasjunction.wordpress.com/2010/03/28/the-tudors-showtimes-attempt-at-history/> [...]
Love this! I googled the tudors and the word fuck, to see if the historical inaccuracy bugged anyone else and was so happy to see the photo comparisons. Gotta love some creative license! Can’t have the fatties and the uglies ruining my tv time!
In other news, really need to give Deadwood another try…..
The show is entertaining enough (Hubs and I are watching it on Netflix), but each episode ends with my leading a “classroom discussion” about why this, this, and this is way off base. I can handle the “cosmetic” changes to the hoes and Mr. MacDaddy because let’s face it, Jonathan Rhys Meyers is ga-ga gorgeous. ALSO: Who KNEW that kid who played Albert in Count of Monte Cristo would grow up to be so fucking beautiful?
I have an MA in Art History (theses in Renaissance and Baroque Italy), so I imagine The Tudors for you is akin to The da Vinci Code for me. SIT DOWN, DAN BROWN.
YES. Sit the fuck down, “Other Boleyn Girl,” too. I love good historical fiction, and I’m not always in rampant classroom mode (wine helps with this), but some shit just GRATES on me, you know?
I was a fan of Pillars of the Earth. Not accurate either (less glaring fuckalls with history), but it’s done well enough that it’s overlooked. When you write brilliant characters using history as your setting, THAT I can handle. Don’t just completely destroy these REAL people on whom I may or may not have “dead people crushes.” Gay or not, I get a raging brainer whenever I get the chance to discuss da Vinci. I don’t even tough Philippa Gregory’s shit.
I’ll give them a small amount of defense for the John Rhys Meyers part. Although the show takes place beginning when Henry VIII was in his late 30s early 40s, as a young man, before his injury prevented his activeness, he was apparently very attractive and a very physically fit individual. although, it gains more audience to have Henry VIII as a younger man than when these events actually took place, but whatever, its still entertaining even with the historical inaccuracies