A few days ago, I noticed that someone had jammed a brambly tree limb, its tip thoughtfully wrapped in what appeared to be a used condom, into my neighbor’s mailbox. Actually, they thrust the prehistoric dildo down the back of the mailbox’s post, so it stood proudly aloft, announcing to the world, perhaps, that this was the house where lumberjacks came for a good old fashioned raping. And by God, they were going to rape you SAFELY.
Homemade Hillbilly's Sexy Time
Tampering with the mail? I wondered. Federal offense be damned! Or at least screwed with a wood pile’s reject! Then yesterday, I noticed that the limb, condom still quivering and attached, had moved a few houses down, now serving as a warning to others, maybe? Anyone’s house/shed/corn crib could be used as some terrifying backwoods fuck stick paradise? Or could the stick have developed AI?
Jude Law WILL fuck you with a stick
Maybe there are just roving gangs of Fuck Stick craftspeople, I thought, shrugging it off, since this isn’t hardly the scariest thing to happen to me in my neck of Bumblefuck Nowhere.
Aaaaand, then this morning. SOMEONE was decidedly displeased to find the Hippy’s Happy Maker on their mailbox, so they did the only sane, reasonable thing: They left the Fuck Stick Arts Council Coalition [FSACC, pronounced, "F-Sack"] a note:
Pictured above: the definition of "awesome sauce"
Pictured above: the definition of "Passive Aggression" (condom optional)
I think the more pant-staining hilarity of this moment really comes from the fact that these well-meaning folks wrote the note on their lawyer’s complimentary notepad. I generously photo shopped out the details, but look close at the above pic and you can see their tag line, “A Full Service Law Firm”… Though in the context of this wood craft, such delicate wording brings new innuendo to the term, “full service.” But moreover, is the reference to the lawyer part of a veiled threat? More bizarre, I think, is that now I’m wondering how long they’re going to leave it in their front lawn.
And all this time, I thought “Fuck Stick” was just a nickname for this guy:
Seen here with the saddest monkey in the world
Live and learn!
‘Fuck Stick Condoms’ would be a great name for a rock band.
Maybe the condom on a stick is a new twist on the game of tag?
Oh, I hope that monkey knows how to use it…
That pretty damn funny! And I totally agree with Mooooooog. In fact, I think I saw them in concert a few years ago. My butt still hurts.
@ Mooog: Right?! Think of the t-shirts!
@ Dan: I too often fantasize about Dane Cook being anally raped by a primate with a fuck stick.
@ Mike: Yes, but did you remember to get a t-shirt?
How delightfully totemic! Here in the city, we are not so creative and multicultural – the condoms are just strewn along the lakeshore willy-nilly (so to speak).
@ Lidian: I was fascinated that the condom caper was carried out over several days! In this day and age, that’s quite a lot of attention span we’re talking about!
Seeing that STUPID look on Dane Cooks face makes me wish I was blind… or, better yet, that he was faceless.
@ adnoxious: I think Dane only has the one look — STOOPID. Let’s start a fundraiser to petition his face removal.
Correction: Jude Law will fuck you with a stick, while cheating on you with the nanny.
Anyway, love your site and I especially love the theme you picked out.
Great minds think alike.
At least you’re getting fucked by jude Law. So there’s that.
Thanks for the words. Yes, this themes is quite conducive to ranting women, hm? Great minds indeed. Your site is a hoot. I love your casting in If My Life Were A Movie.
If you want to blogroll one another, let me know and I’ll get you on my list!!
Haha, I just now saw this comment, because I didn’t click the “notify of new comments” button. I’m kinda special. Like helmet special.
Anyway, I added you to my blogroll before I even saw this. SO YOU MUST KEEP YOUR WORD AND DO THE SAME. I’m watching you.
And if you did, I’d be super excited, because no one’s added me to their blogroll ever. Everyone hates me.
Actually, it’s probably because I just started the site like 2 weeks ago. Whatevs.
The Fuckstick of Friendship. What a down-home, neighborly tradition! Wonder who’ll get it next?
Fucksticks unite! lol
I know, I’ve been keeping an eye out. The passive aggressive neighbors finally took it down. So perhaps it’s gone for good… SAD!