Because God was busy killing puppies and not curing cancers, He overlooked the fact that a terrible error was made:
I was called to serve Jury Duty.
First of all, if my loyal readers will recall, I live in Bumblefuck Nowhere, NC. What do they even need juries for here? Just call up Andy “I will fucking Cut you” Griffith and have him and Barney take care of it. What is the worse crime even being committed? Someone robbed a Biscuitville? An aged hickory root is upsetting old lady Finklestein’s flower beds? I mean, traffic cones being knocked over makes the evening news here, people, as does harmless, unprofane graffiti.
Additionally, I was not well with having to sit with my fellow yokels in a 50 square foot room all day. There was the deaf guy who alternately screamed into a cell phone, under the mistaken impression that you can teach someone to drive stick shift verbally and through sheer volume alone, and maniacally dry-washed his hands to beat the band. Among the assembled kitten-stomping masturbators and other assorted deves was the woman who insisted on gyrating her hips and emphasizing a perfunctory “Mm-HM!” in response to the WWII movie they inexplicably left on for our “entertainment”* and who noisily ate the biggest bag of popcorn I’ve ever even imagined to exist. When we were introduced (she offered me a slimy paw full of clumpy kernels at one point, glaring as though daring me to accept them), she told me, “I soopervise reh-tarded people.” Uh, supervise? Are you sure they know they let you out for the day? Also, if you are fortunate enough to work with the mentally impaired (see all my entries under “teaching career”), then is it really all right to call them “retarded”?! Finally, I had to move my seat when a guy who looked like the sort of person who completes each evening with a good old-fashioned dog raping kept giving me the eye.
And after 8 goddamn hours of that shit, I was awarded $12, no free lunch** and sent home without a jury being needed that particular day. Makes you almost miss the days of a good old-school stoning. I mean, at least justice was meted out promptly.
* Here, the word “entertainment” clearly means, “attempt to encourage a small portion of the population to suicide”
** My brother and I had a small disagreement over whether or not they would feed us. He chortled at the very idea, sneering that I was going to Jury DUTY, not Jury Jamboree, nor Jury Vacation… (Jurmboree? Jurcation?) Alas, he was right again, as per some ghoulish childhood pact that has ensured his innate rightness over my younger, innate wrongness.
What a fucking nightmare! Maybe that is what your own personal version of hell is. Did you run over a toddler or something?
@ Listy: I keep trying, but those toddlers are always pulled to safety in just the nick of time. No, I think it’s God’s way of telling me I should take the damn ADD meds and give the rest of humanity a much-needed nap.
@Sorcia: You may have wanted/needed a dose of ritalin to survive that day. Were you not, you know, so flush with the knowledge you were fulfilling your civic duty that all those other distractions would pass?
Oh, and. Sorry I was right. I really wish there had been food. Or a ball crawl. Square dance break? Jury Jamboree!!
You know.. I actually read the article and was disappointed a) in the lack of enthusiasm of the reporter and 2) the poor grammar of Councilman Yemm “…it seems to be working really good,” uh isn’t that supposed to be “really well”? Oh well so I ADD’D on the grammar when I lost interest in the story.
As for your crappy day, that blows big chunks! Sorry you had to be subjected to so many scary people who were NOT on trial
First circle of hell, no doubt about it. The very least they could have done was give you a lunch. Or a cupcake, even. Something!
You were wise to move away from the dog-raper Sorcia, you can never be TOO careful…
Why does all that seem familiar to me? I know! Because I live in Podunk NC. How funny.
Ugh. That sucks.
When I was younger, I actually wished I’d get jury duty, because I kept hearing stories like these and thought they were “amusing” or “funny” and that “I’d like to spend the day with whackjobs from my community, going through jury duty.” Now that I know better I’m like, “I see plenty of whackjobs without it, and all that aggravation and waiting for $12 and no lunch? Fuck jury duty.” If I never see a jury duty summons, I will be only too happy.
On the bright side, though – doesn’t this mean they can’t call you again for a while? Aren’t you supposed to get a reprieve for a couple years after you get called up, even if you don’t end up sitting on a trial?
we get called around here all the time, because the year round population is much smaller than the huge amount of crime that goes on in a tourist destination where the population balloons to 20 times its size in the summer. I almost turned in my drivers license and gave up the right to vote (that’s how they find us) just because it was getting so old. Right to a speedy trial is a basic right – so are sandwich platters. SUE!
@ Phem: Mmm, the sweet, sweet numbing rush of rittalin. Also, Jury Ball Crawl?! HILAR.
@ Dzzblnd: I mean, really, why am I the one being punished just because someone robbed a Bojangles?
@ Lidian: At the very damn least a cupcake.
@ Venom: It’s true. Thos dog rapists are wily.
@ Etta: Ah yes, the nice hamlet of Podunk, adjacent to my own remote location. Sisters in Insanity! *pumps fist impotently in air*
@ Kathy: Yes, quite right. The silver lining is that I don’t have to go for another 2 years. Hopefully by then I will have committed at least one felony that should deprive me of my citizen’s burden to sit on a jury.
@ Margo: Yikes! That’s terrible! Can you still hang people, though?
You should try Baltimore. We have some really awesome crime. Half the people I know have been called for jury duty, including one French guy.
I’ve never had jury duty (knock on head), and I definitely had a mistaken picture of it in my head. If told to guess between the following two scenarios I would likely encounter during a day of jury duty …
1. At some point during the day, the judge will show you what’s under his robe
2. There will be a movie and popcorn
…I would have definitely guess #1. Good to know.
@ Tdec: I would thoroughly enjoy watching an angry frenchman/woman flip out at the courthouse!
@Shawn: Alas, I never even saw a judge, so what was under their robe remains a mystery…