Off I went this past weekend to our neighbor to the South, that “other” Carolina, to visit Kimmy. She’s all pregnant and shit, so instead of spending our time smoking crack and jumping on a trampoline, we opted for a more sedate outing — we went to Gaffney, SC.
What’s in Gaffney, you ask? Oh-ho! There are three things of wild importance in Gaffney: An outlet mall, a Publix (I shit you not, Floridians who know about the awesomeness of Publix) and…
Seriously?
The World’s Largest Ass in the Sky.
Er, Peach. Largest Peach in the Sky.
The peach is clearly amazing and hilarious on its own. No additionaly explanation is needed. But why is Publix the bomb fucking diggity, you ask? Well, it’s not because there are old men in the beer aisle exploding 6-packs of Miller Light, though that was awesome. Nor is it even because we got accosted by an over-enthusiastic (read: eating speed) Cuban man who nearly beat us with a Cuban sandwich from his restaurant. No, Publix’s true glory lives on in their fried chicken drumettes:
I'll tell you when, BITCH
This is as full as you can get a Publix box of drumettes. As Kimmy’s husband said pleasantly, when the deli girl asked him “how many” — “I’ll tell you when.” The box isn’t full until it challenges the laws of physics, kids.
The Outlet mall is fun because of both the people-watching and the cheap, cheap mall-good that can be gotten. Also, there is an M&M vending machine every 5 paces. Of course, occasionally you come across the absolutely inexplicable.
Buffalo Bill's Childhood
Contest, loyal readers! What the FUCK is it?! Is it a plaything? If so, for what kind of demented sociopathic baby? Were the other kids too cruel on the playground when baby tried making them put the lotion on? That’s ok, Baby cobbled this out of the rended scraps of the other childrens’ clothing and now finds great satisfaction in listening to its “voices”…
Why is it blue?
Is it a Native American artifact? Created from plague blankets and marketed to yuppies as the ultimate Indian revenge? Who knows! Who cares! It was on sale!*
Speaking of sale, can’t believe that more mothers don’t want to see their kids in this:
He doesn't look enraged
“Don’t make the baby mad! You won’t like him mad!!!”
I tried to get Kimmy to buy this as the baby’s homecoming-from-hospital outfit, for she had something else in mind. You know, something less INSANE.
The trip started off well, seeing as how I got trapped behind an asshat in a sports car whose plate read, “MR 2 NUTS”:
Trust me
I mean, was the plate a congratulatory gift upon the removal or addition of a nut? Are we really discussing a different kind of nuts? Who advertises themselves this way?! Another mystery.
As always, an adventure in Southern Living. At least this time we weren’t accosted by the plastic remains of the unborn. That’s something.
* Yes, that’s Kimmy’s hand curled into an impotent fist, ready to sucker punch the Blue Nightmare back into our darkest dreams if it lunges at us suddenly.
You are extremely funny! I enjoyed my visit to your blog,and will be back!!
Thanks for the visit! You really should apply over at Humorbloggers.com. It’s a great site and tons of fun!
You can use me as your referral if you want to.
Spent 2 less than pleasant months in Florida on an acting gig. Am familiar with the joy that is The Publix. I think that and a lovely coffee shop that the economy ate were two really high points of my stay.
Should come to RVA for the Ukrops fried chicken experience…and stay for the rainbow cookies.
ah, the allure of rural travel. Gaffney. I didn’t expect a travel piece for a day trip today, and now can’t wait to make my weekend plans! I only wish I knew someone with a baby so I could get them the Baby Hulk costume. I’ve spent some time at the Publix in Florida as well… A DEFINITE MUST SEE. Love the photos!
@ Thinkin: Thanks so much! And I will certainly take your advice and check it out.
@ Robinita: Publix can make almost any terrible experience bearable. And I’m a a whore for Rainbow Cookies… You and I really should plan a small blogging conference that involves fried southern food, you know.
@ Margo: Thanks! Seriously, I wanted to buy those costumes in bulk… Hulk Bulk… in the event that all my friends start having kids.
First-time visitor and I must say that I deem your blog to be highly inappropriate and I can’t belive the language contained herein, especially from such a comely young woman as yourself!
I’m never coming back! (And here’s where you say, “And like I give a flying fuck at a jizz-napkin?”)
Just kidding. Just reading your profile alone was hilarious and highly entertaining. I look forward to reading more of your work. BTW, this had me laughing: “The World’s Largest Ass in the Sky.” Too funny.
That is some enormous peach! We don’t have this sort of thing in Canada, nor do we have Publix…but your post makes me feel as if I had gone there. Sort of, kind of! We do have Wal Mart but clearly Publix is a different thing altogether.
That baby costume is quite disturbing, too. I am definitely coming back for more!
Cheers, Lidian
@ Adamity: Flattery gets you everywhere. Thanks for all the comments!! Glad to have a new reader!
@ Lidian: Canada has a lot of things we don’t, though: gun restrictions, fewer serial killers, mounties and dignity. So consider that a fair trade for the giant peaches. Thanks so much for coming by! Your blog slays me — I can’t even imagine where you begin to find all those old ads!
I would sacrifice one of my children to have a Publix within driving distance of me.
@ Listy: Right?! GOD I miss the Publix.
[...] I am off to Orlando until Monday night, as I’m hosting a baby shower for Kimmy (of Fetus Fame… oh the irony). I will back then with news of how I managed to likely ruin [...]
Great idea, but will this work over the long run?