I’m not being vain. It’s true. I have no idea what I’ve done to cause such a hormonal sensation, but over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been propositioned by nearly everyone I’ve run into. Unlike my crotchety, sinister mother-in-law, I haven’t had a tit job. I haven’t lost any more weight. I am not wearing a lot of makeup.
The guy who set off this bizarre domino effect was a lonely soul in an otherwise 100% gay bar on Fire Island. He insisted on making me origami flowers, ducks, and other love tokens while moping about his ex-wife and insisting that I was looking particularly attractive that night, sloppy pony-tail, sans make-up and all. I figured this was a fluke. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve managed to attract the one straight man in a completely gay joint.*
But now it’s getting out of control. Nary a day goes by without a male person a) asking me out directly (i.e. the guy on my walking trail who actually glanced down at my wedding rings before posing said query or the old man at the grocery store who just asked me what I liked to do for fun) or b) asking suggestive questions that I can tell if, answered correctly, would lead to a direct request for hook-up (i.e. the football player at Wake who idly questioned if my personal “black man window” was now “closed” since I was married) or c) having the overall satisfaction of my marital state picked apart and analyzed, usually by someone completely unequipped and unrequested to do so (i.e. a young man I tutor bluntly asking, “Are you married?” and when I answered affirmativley, again bluntly asking, “Happily?”).
It was flattering for about a second, at first. But the thing is, I really AM happily married. Sort of ridiculously so. Friends make fun of me. Unless it’s a playful consideration of getting with a movie star (or similar), I rarely mention a man besides my husband. Ergo, I think I give off a “taken” vibe. Which, as we all know, is the surest aphrodisiasic for any man. It’s making me a little crazy, though. I have started scanning the horizon of all my outings with suspicion, immediately looking aloof and unapproachable if an even halfway possible hookup attempt looks likely. Which, I’m starting to realize, only makes things worse: Aloof = Man I Want To Hit That in boy language, apparently.
What I’m really hacked off about, though, is this: Where the fuck were all these men when I WAS, in point of fact, young, footloose and fancy free?! I guess they were all busy hitting on aging happily married teachers.
* The first time this happened was during Pride Weekend festivities in NY. My brother and a random homosexual had to verbally manhandle him a little. He eventually retreated in shame after numerous attempts to hump my leg.
I don’t understand why you won’t sleep with all the men who show interest. Why are you being so selfish?
Yes, yes, and yes. Why are men so perverse about married women? Not that I get propositioned quite as often as you seem to – but still more often than when I was single, and quite, quite available. Also, you are not, by any stretch of the imagination, aging. Btw, for some reason I get hit on more when I look terrible. I tell you – men are perverse.
Yeah, I got nothing for ya on this one.
@ Jane: quite right. Never denied that I’m innately selfish. Besides, we all know that my lips may say “no, no” while my eyes say, “yes! yes!”
@ Clara: Perverse is a good word for it. Perhaps the popular HBO show Big Love has made all the local swains believe that I’m into polygamy. I do, in fact, love me some Big Love. Just on tv, though.
I am also happily married and have also experienced the more attention then when I was single phenomenon. I think it might be partially atributed (and forgive me if this offends anyone) to the hightened sense of confidence I have developed at knowing deep in my soul that I am loved. Sadly, but truly, that it not something I felt when i was young and single.
@ BenFranklin: You’re probably right. My only lingering malicious question is whether or not the guys in question REALIZE I’m married and still hit on me or not. I believe many of them actually DO pick up on that I’m taken and still have the sasspants on to try to give me a little sumpin’ sumpin.
If it’s a consolation, I’m drawn to your rightfully-earned misanthropy, worldview, and abundant sass; I want to sleep with your personality.
My question to you is, where are the unmarried versions of women like you?
My personality is flattered. It’s my sweet sass that gets me laid at all, I’m fairly sure.
Alas, there is only one Sorcia, but thanks for being a reader and crushing on my personality!!